I’ve talked a lot about the roughness of my childhood, but I’ve always tried to do so in an instructive manner. I use the hard lessons I learned in life to teach others so that perhaps they can have an easier time in theirs.

I don’t claim to be an expert on self-development. I don’t even claim that my way is the best way or is even remotely the correct way to handle the residual effects of childhood abuse, neglect, and the general instability that comes from growing up in a chaotic environment.

All I try to do is show what has worked for me, talk about the mistakes I’ve made, and share insights and observations I’ve made as I continue to grow in this life.

Speaking of self-development, writing is a great way to improve every aspect of yourself. It forces you to confront your thoughts in a tangible way, by making them real and external. Today's sponsor, Storygrid, has a free course that teaches you how to hone your storytelling skills.

Sponsored by: The Story Grid​ Learn how to write stories readers will love so much, they’ll tell their friends about it. Based on 30+ years experience as a writer and editor. Join the Story Grid email list and we'll immediately send you a free 5-part video series on using our tools to level up your writing.

​

2 ½ years ago, at my son's baby shower, I was genuinely shocked by all the friends and family who took time out of their Sunday afternoon to bring gifts and show love.

I don’t remember if I wrote about this experience, but it was one of those moments that contradicted everything I believed about myself, mainly that being my friend is a burden and that people don’t really like me.

That might sound strange coming from me, but it’s always been a lingering thought in my mind. Like, I can see the evidence in my face that people care about me, but I have a hard time accepting the idea that I’m not just a disposable and replaceable person. I’ve learned to channel this insecurity into trying to make myself a worthwhile and impressive human, doing everything I could to prove to myself and the world that I’m worth a damn.

That led me to boxing and going back to school, but it also led to drinking.

The difference between being liked and being respected

Trying to earn attention and respect has driven almost every decision I’ve made, both positive and negative. But attention and respect aren’t the same, and you only learn that the hard way. In this respect, my hard lesson was the damage I did to my life from drinking. Everyone likes to party with you, but no one wants to spend time with you when there isn’t booze involved.

It’s a type of loneliness that’s hard to describe if you’ve never experienced it, but I’ll do my best. When people like you but don’t respect you, it’s like being in a room full of people who are only there because you’re the entertainment.

You’re alone on stage and you feel like if you give a terrible performance, the audience will desert you. So, to avoid being alone, you do whatever it takes to hold their attention, even if it's self-destructive.

On the other hand, respect and connection attract a smaller audience, but those people aren’t there for the show. They’re there for you, no matter how you perform. Good or bad, these people love you, not what you do.

Even if you fall flat on your face and bomb the performance, their feelings towards you not only remain unchanged, but actually become stronger because there is an unfakeable honesty in imperfection, and the only way you can be imperfect and unjudged is in the presence of true love.

No one should feel alone

This past weekend was Easter weekend, so Happy Easter to all. If you don’t celebrate Easter, I hope you had a happy weekend in general. My sister-in-law was here, and we had anticipated my sister joining us, but at the last minute, she told me she was too tired after work. However, I didn’t let that keep her away.

I got in the car, drove across town to pick her up, and then drove her back. It was about an hour and a half of road time, but it was worth it, because my sister shares a similar perspective on relationships to mine, having grown up in the same house and environment.

My sister was much closer to my mom than I was, so when she died, my sister lost the one person she probably felt the most connection with. My sister and I have gotten closer over the years, especially since my mother’s death, but I want to make sure my sister feels like she always has a place in my home.

I want her to look forward to just being around as I try to build a life for my son where he won’t ever feel like he doesn’t matter to the people who love him—and that starts with recognizing that behavior in myself and in the people I have the power to affect.

Nurture your relationships

I always tell people to reach out to their friends, just to see how they’re doing. But more than that, nurture the relationships in your life in little ways, like sending memes and random texts. Big gestures of time and attention investment matter, but they can be undermined if there isn’t constant low-level maintenance.

Without that low-level maintenance, it’s easy for a person to think they don’t matter that much. After all, if they did, then you’d talk to them more, right? So then, it gets easier for them to blow off social gatherings or even turn you down for a lunch meet-up.

Then, it gets easier for them to communicate because not only has a precedent of non-communication been set, but reaching out or taking you up on invitations to hang out becomes easier too.

I’m not saying that all relationships are worth making an effort. There are some people you want to keep at bay. But any relationship in your life worth having requires time and attention, even if it’s just an occasional sharing of memes in a text.

And I’ve found that when you feel like you’re a burden and that people only want to have a relationship with you because you have something to offer, then you’re way less likely to do the little work of maintaining the human connection—and before you know it, you feel emotionally overwhelmed and surprised when people show up to your baby shower.

Or, you’re at a loss for words when friends show up for your mother’s funeral because you didn’t tell them, but your wife did, because she knows you have trouble with this type of thing.

Never forget that people are the most important thing. There’s a boatload of research out there that shows all aspects of your life improve when you have strong, positive relationships. Normally, I’d cite them, but that’s beyond the scope of this newsletter. I just want everyone to know that if you feel alone and worthless, it’s not unusual and it can happen to anyone for any reason, but you don’t have to let it define how you interact with people.

Remember. Many of the experiences you had in childhood and your formative years aren’t your fault, but they are your responsibility to make sure they don’t ruin the life you have.

I write about all of this—and more—in my new book, Hard Lessons From The Hurt Business.

​
It’s about my childhood that made me feel like I had to earn love. It’s about how boxing became another performance, and how drinking almost ruined everything when the applause wasn't enough anymore. If this newsletter resonated with you, you can download the first chapter for free and see what it’s all about.

And if it speaks to you, consider pre-ordering at the same link. This is the realest thing I’ve ever written—and I think it’ll meet you where you are.

Because yeah, some lessons are hard. But the ones that matter most usually are.